If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already? - - - Cynthia Heimel 
The male chromosome is an incomplete female chromosome. In other words the male is a walking abortion; aborted at the gene stage. To be male is to be deficient, emotionally limited; maleness is a deficiency disease and males are emotional cripples. - - - Valerie Solanos 
The old woman was not only ugly with the ugliness age brings us all but showed signs of formidable ugliness by birth - pickle-jar chin, mainsail ears and a nose like a trigonometry problem. What's more, she had the deep frown and snit wrinkles that come from a lifetime of bad character.  - - - P.J. O'Rourke "Holidays in Hell" 
You slam a politician, you make out he's the devil, with horns and hoofs. But his wife loves him, and so did all his mistresses. - - - Pamela Hansford Johnson 
Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, the belly-wriggling invertebrates, the miserable soddingrotters, the flaming sods, the sniveling, dribbling, dithering, palsied, pulse-less lot that make up England today. They've got white of egg in their veins, and their spunk is that watery it's a marvel they can breed. - - - D. H. Lawrence, 1912 
Germans are flummoxed by humor, the Swiss have no concept of fun, the Spanish think there is nothing at all ridiculous about eating dinner at midnight, and the Italians should never, ever have been let in on the invention of the motor car. - - - Bill Bryson 
In America, only the successful writer is important, in France all writers are important, in England no writer is important, and in Australia you have to explain what a writer is. - - - Geoffrey Cottrell 
There have been many definitions of hell, but for the English the best definition is that it is the place where the Germans are the police, the Swedish are the comedians, the Italians are the defense force, Frenchmen dig the roads, the Belgians are the pop singers, the Spanish run the railways, the Turks cook the food, the Irish are the waiters, the Greeks run the government, and the common language is Dutch. - - - David Frost and Anthony Jay 
America is a melting pot, the people at the bottom get burned while all the scum floats to the top. - - - Charlie King 
Americans always try to do the right thing -- after they've tried everything else. - - - Winston Churchill 
Americans can eat garbage, provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup, mustard, chili sauce, Tabasco sauce, cayenne pepper, or any other condiment which destroys the original flavor of the dish.  - - - Henry Miller  
America is one long expectoration. - - - Oscar Wilde 
America knows nothing of food, love, or art.  - - - Isadora Duncan  
I don't see much future for the Americans. Everything about the behavior of the American society reveals that it's half judaized, and the other half is negrified. How can one expect a state like that to hold together? - - - Adolf Hitler 
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. - - - Woody Allen 
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence to never practice either of them. - - - Mark Twain (about America) 
Never criticize Americans. They have the best taste that money can buy. - - - Miles Kington 
Of course, America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up. - - - Oscar Wilde 
The 100% American is 99% idiot. - - - George Bernard Shaw 
Their demeanor is invariably morose, sullen, clownish and repulsive. I should think there is not, on the face of the earth, a people so entirely destitute of humor, vivacity, or the capacity for enjoyment. - - - Charles Dickens (about Americans) 
Canada is a country so square that even the female impersonators are women. - - - Richard Brenner 
I fear that I have not got much to say about Canada, not having seen much; what I got by going to Canada was a cold.  - - - Henry David Thoreau "A Yankee in Canada" (1853)  
Britain is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex. - - - Jackie Mason 
England, the heart of a rabbit in the body of a lion. The jaws of a serpent, in an abode of popinjays. - - - Eugene Deschamps 
English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.  - - - Fred Allen "Treadmill to Oblivion"  
I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire: God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark. - - - Duncan Spaeth 
The English think soap is civilization. - - - Heinrich von Treitschke 
The Englishman who has lost his fortune is said to have died of a broken heart. - - - Ralph Waldo Emerson 
There is one thing on earth more terrible than English music, and that is English painting. - - - Heinrich Heine 
The French are sawed-off sissies who eat snails and slugs and cheese that smells like people's feet. Utter cowards who force their own children to drink wine, they gibber like baboons even when you try to speak to them in their own wimpy language. - - - P.J.O'Rourke 
France is a country where the money falls apart but you can't tear the toilet paper.  - - - Billy Wilder  
German in the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747. - - - Willy Rushton 
Germany, the diseased world's bathhouse. - - - Mark Twain 
The German mind has a talent for making no mistakes but the very greatest. - - - Clifton Fadiman 
You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does. - - - P.J. O'Rourke "Holidays in Hell" 
Few things can be less tempting or dangerous than a Greek woman of the age of thirty. - - - John Carne 
This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever. - - - Sigmund Freud (about the Irish) 
The problem with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, but with absolutely no talent. - - - Hugh Leonard 
The Japanese have perfected good manners and made them indistinguishable from rudeness. - - - Paul Theroux  
In Russia a man is called reactionary if he objects to having his property stolen and his wife and children murdered. - - - Winston Churchill 
Russians will consume marinated mushrooms and vodka, salted herring and vodka, smoked salmon and vodka, salami and vodka, caviar on brown bread and vodka, pickled cucumbers and vodka, cold tongue and vodka, red beet salad and vodka, scallions and vodka-anything and everything and vodka.  - - - Hedrick Smith "The Russians"  
Scotland: A land of meanness, sophistry and lust. - - - Lord Byron 
Scotland: That garret of the earth - that knuckle-end of England - that land of Calvin, oatcakes, and sulfur. - - - Sydney Smith 
The food in Yugoslavia is fine if you like pork tartare. - - - Ed Begley, Jr. 
A blank, helpless sort of face, rather like a rose just before you drench it with DDT. - - - John Carey 
A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster. - - - Earl Long 
A modest little person, with much to be modest about. - - - Winston Churchill 
At first I thought he was walking a dog. Then I realized it was his date. - - - Edith Massey in "Polyester" 
Don't point that beard at me, it might go off. - - - Groucho Marx 
Had double chins all the way down to his stomach. - - - Mark Twain 
He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating. - - - Ayn Rand 
He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser. - - - George C. Scott 
He makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin prodigiously. - - - Oliver Goldsmith 
He must have had a magnificent build before his stomach went in for a career of its own. - - - Margaret Halsey 
He strains his conversation through a cigar. - - - Hamilton Mabie 
He was either a man of about a hundred and fifty who was rather young for his years, or a man of about a hundred and ten who had been aged by trouble. - - - -P.G. Wodehouse 
He's a trellis for varicose veins. - - - Wilson Mizner 
He's so fat, he can be his own running mate. - - - Johnny Carson 
He's so small, he's a waste of skin. - - - Fred Allen 
He'd make a lovely corpse. - - - Charles Dickens 
Her face was her chaperone. - - - Rupert Hughes 
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. - - - Woody Allen 
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style. It will look ridiculous year after year. - - - Fred Allen 
Her only flair is in her nostrils. - - - Pauline Kael 
Her skin was white as leprosy. - - - S. T. Coleridge 
His face is livid, gaunt his whole body, his breath is green with gall; his tongue drips poison. - - - John Quincy Adams 
His face was filled with broken commandments. - - - John Masefield 
His smile is like the silver plate on a coffin. - - - John Philpot Curran 
His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with. - - - Charles Lamb 
I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot. - - - Oscar Wilde 
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. - - - Groucho Marx 
I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere. - - - No?l Coward 
Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat? - - - Dr. Gonzo 
It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey. - - - Jeff Foxworthy 
Nature played a cruel trick on her by giving her a waxed mustache. - - - Alan Bennett 
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. - - - Groucho Marx 
She had much in common with Hitler, only no mustache. - - - Noel Coward 
She is a peacock in everything but beauty. - - - Oscar Wilde 
She looked as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth - or anywhere else. - - - Elsa Lanchester 
She not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to it. - - - Bob Fosse 
She resembles the Venus de Milo: she is very old, has no teeth, and has white spots on her yellow skin. - - - Heinrich Heine 
She spends her day powdering her face till she looks like a bled pig. - - - Margot Asquith 
She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered. - - - James Matthew Barrie 
She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin. - - - Will Rogers 
She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand. - - - Saul Bellow 
She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork. - - - Jonathan Swift 
The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes. - - - William Shakespeare 
When I see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed, I feel sorry - for the clothes. - - - Josh Billings 
While you remain at home your hair is at the hairdresser's; you take out your teeth at night and sleep tucked away in a hundred cosmetics boxes - even your face does not sleep with you. - - - Martial, 1st Century AD (to a female friend) 
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it? - - - Mark Twain 
Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. - - - P. G. Wodehouse 
Yeah, she's beautiful, but you can't find her IQ with a flashlight. - - - from "The Greatest American Hero" 
You couldn't tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation. - - - Irvin S. Cobb 
A woman is just a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. - - - Rudyard Kipling 
A woman will lie about anything, just to stay in practice. - - - Phillip Marlowe 
A woman's preaching is like a dog's walking on his hinter legs. It is not done well; but you are surprised to see it done at all. - - - James Boswell 
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often. - - - Oliver Herford 
Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her body. - - - John Vanbrugh 
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is. - - - Helen Rowland 
Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one. - - - W. C. Fields 
Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking. - - - Rupert Hughes 
Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman. - - - Maryon Pearson 
Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in. - - - Katharine Whitehorn 
Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses. - - - Elizabeth Taylor 
Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible. - - - Margaret Mead (May 15, 1958) 
A brain of feathers, and a heart of lead. - - - Alexander Pope 
A mental midget with the IQ of a fence post. - - - Tom Waits 
A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits. - - - Alexander Pope 
Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast? - - - from "Heathers" 
Differently clued. - - - Dave Clark 
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. - - - Josh Billing 
End of season sale at the cerebral department. - - - Gareth Blackstock 
Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale. - - - David Letterman 
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. - - - Abraham Lincoln 
He has the attention span of a lightning bolt. - - - Robert Redford 
He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - - - Billy Wilder 
He is brilliant - to the top of his boots. - - - David Lloyd George 
He is so stupid you can't trust him with an idea. - - - John Steinbeck 
He is useless on top of the ground; he aught to be under it, inspiring the cabbages. - - - Mark Twain 
He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it. - - - Joseph Heller 
He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - - - George Bernard Shaw 
He knows so little and knows it so fluently. - - - Ellen Glasgow 
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. - - - Forrest Tucker 
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. - - - Groucho Marx 
He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style. - - - Leo Tolstoy 
He never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one. - - - Earl of Rochester 
He not only overflowed with learning, but stood in the slop. - - - Sydney Smith 
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. - - - John Ruskin 
He used statistics the way a drunkard uses lampposts - for support, not illumination. - - - Andrew Lang 
He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright. - - - Samuel Butler 
He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong. - - - Benjamin Disraeli 
His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. - - - Robin Williams 
His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere. - - - Mark Twain 
His ignorance is encyclopedic. - - - Abba Eban 
His mind is so open - so open that ideas simply pass through it. - - - F. H. Bradley 
His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it. - - - Heywood Braun 
I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located? - - - Ashleigh Brilliant 
I wish I'd known you when you were alive. - - - Leonard Louis Levinson 
I would not want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland. - - - Eugene McCarthy 
If he ever had a bright idea it would be beginner's luck. - - - William Lashner "Veritas" 
Little things affect little minds. - - - Benjamin Disraeli 
Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. - - - Van Jacobson 
No more sense of direction than a bunch of firecrackers. - - - Rob Wagner 
Please try not to be such a wiener-head. - - - Dave Barry 
Sharp as a sack full of wet mice. - - - Foghorn Leghorn 
She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit. - - - W. Somerset Maugham 
She is a water bug on the surface of life. - - - Gloria Steinem 
She's descended from a long line her mother listened to. - - - Gypsy Rose Lee 
Stay with me; I want to be alone. - - - Joey Adams 
Teflon brain (nothing sticks.) - - - Lily Tomlin 
That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting. - - - Douglas Adams 
They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. - - - Thomas Brackett Reed 
Useless as a pulled tooth. - - - Mary Roberts Rinehart 
What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You! - - - from "Murphy Brown" 
What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement. - - - Fred Allen 
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price? - - - David Letterman 
While he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter either. - - - James Thurber 
You look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone else is driving. - - - David Letterman 
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it. - - - Groucho Marx 
A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally. - - - Oscar Wilde 
A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed keeping rabbits. - - - Edith Sitwell 
A sophisticated rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity. - - - Benjamin Disraeli 
Abstract art? A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. - - - Al Capp 
An editor should have a pimp for a brother so he'd have someone to look up to. - - - Gene Fowler 
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. - - - Mark Twain 
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. - - - Fred Allen 
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. - - - Groucho Marx 
I know of nothing more despicable and pathetic than a man who devotes all of the hours of the waking day to the making of money for money's sake. - - - John D. Rockefeller 
If all the girls who attended the Harvard-Yale game were laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised. - - - Dorothy Parker 
If there's anything disgusting about the movie business, it's the whoredom of my peers. - - - Sean Penn 
In the United States today, we have more than our share of the nattering nabobs of negativism. They have formed their own 4-H Club - the 'hopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history. - - - Spiro T. Agnew (about the press, 1970) 
Jazz: Music invented for the torture of imbeciles. - - - Henry VanDyke 
Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call girls. - - - Jackie Gleason 
Nature not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed him with the ability to write. - - - A. E. Housman 
Reader, suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. - - - Mark Twain 
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it. - - - -Moses Hadas 
The fact that a man is a newspaper reporter is evidence of some flaw of character. - - - Lyndon Johnson 
This is not a book that should be tossed lightly aside. It should be hurled with great force. - - - Dorothy Parker 
This is one of those big, fat paperbacks, intended to while away a monsoon or two, which, if thrown with a good overarm action, will bring a water buffalo to its knees. - - - Nancy Banks-Smith (review of M.M. Kaye's "The Far Pavillions") 
What is art? Prostitution. Charles Baudelaire 
Writers are interesting people, but often mean and petty. - - - Lillian Hellman 
You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner. - - - Aristophanes 
A dork is a dork is a dork. - - - Judy Markey 
Being attacked by him is like being savaged by a dead sheep. - - - Dennis Healy 
Debating against him is no fun, say something insulting and he looks at you like a whipped dog. - - - Harold Wilson 
Failure has gone to his head. - - - Wilson Mizner 
God was bored by him. - - - Victor Hugo 
Greater love hath no man than this, to lay down his friends for his life. - - - Jeremy Thorpe 
He could never see a belt without hitting below it. - - - Margot Asquith 
He had delusions of adequacy. - - - Walter Kerr 
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - - - Winston Churchill 
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. - - - Oscar Wilde 
He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul. - - - David Lloyd George 
He is a fine friend. He stabs you in the front. - - - Leonard Louis Levinson 
He is a man of splendid abilities but utterly corrupt. He shines and stinks like rotten mackerel by moonlight. - - - John Randolph 
He is a self-made man and worships his creator. - - - John Bright 
He is an old bore. Even the grave yawns for him. - - - Herbert Beerbohm Tree 
He is as good as his word - and his word is no good. - - - Seamus MacManus 
He is mad, bad and dangerous to know. - - - Lady Caroline Lamb 
He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. - - - Samuel Johnson 
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. - - - H. H. Munro 
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - - - Paul Keating 
He is so mean, he won't let his little baby have more than one measle at a time. - - - Eugene Field 
He is the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his own grease. - - - Henry James 
He made enemies as naturally as soap makes suds. - - - Percival Wilde 
He makes a July's day short as December. - - - William Shakespeare 
He must have killed a lot of men to have made so much money. - - - Moliere 
He never bore a grudge against anyone he wronged. - - - Simone Signoret 
He was a bit like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold and sharp. - - - Kate Cruise O'Brien 
He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. - - - Mark Twain 
He was about as useful in a crisis as a sheep. - - - Dorothy Eden 
He was as great as a man can be without morality. - - - Alexis de Tocqueville 
He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - - - Victor Borge 
He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met. - - - William Faulkner 
He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the gift of the power to use them. - - - Charles Kingsley 
He was so crooked, you could have used his spine for a safety-pin. - - - Dorothy L. Sayers 
He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. - - - Molly Ivins 
He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes. - - - Fred Allen 
He was trying to save both his faces. - - - John Gunther 
He would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an epigram on his tombstone. - - - Oscar Wilde 
He's so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code. - - - Earl Wilson 
He's the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces. - - - Mae West 
He's the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup. - - - Wilson Mizner 
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head. - - - Margot Asquith 
I will always love the false image I had of you. - - - Ashleigh Brilliant 
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. - - - Woody Allen 
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. - - - Charles, Count Talleyrand 
No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he's a dirty little beast. - - - W. S. Gilbert 
Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast. - - - Oscar Wilde 
Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid. - - - Heinrich Heine 
She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did. - - - Ada Leverson 
She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people. - - - Robertson Davies 
She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again. - - - Charles Talleyrand 
She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake. - - - Margot Asquith 
She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation. - - - Jean Webster 
She never was really charming till she died. - - - Terence 
She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it happens. - - - Michael Arlen 
She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of the obvious. - - - W. Somerset Maugham 
She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt the mixture at all her friends. - - - Harold Nicholson 
She should get a divorce and settle down. - - - Jack Paar 
She was kind of girl who'd eat all your cashews and leave you with nothing but peanuts and filberts. - - - Raymond Chandler 
She was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers. - - - Alexander Woollcott 
She's been on more laps than a napkin. - - - Walter Winchell 
She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together. - - - John Cantu 
She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees. - - - Joan Rivers 
She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success - wrong by wrong. - - - Mae West 
She's the sort of woman who lives for others -- you can tell the others by their hunted expression. - - - C. S. Lewis 
So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name. - - - Alan Bennett 
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. - - - Oscar Wilde 
Some folks are wise and some are otherwise. - - - Tobias George Smolett 
Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than others. - - - Kin Hubbard 
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. - - - Joseph Heller "Catch-22" 
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. - - - Dorothy Parker 
The finest woman that ever walked the streets. - - - Mae West 
The greatest thing since they reinvented unsliced bread. - - - William Keegan 
The perfection of rottenness. - - - William James 
The triumph of sugar over diabetes. - - - George Jean Nathan 
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. - - - George Bernard Shaw 
There but for the grace of God, goes God. - - - Winston Churchill 
There goes the famous good time that was had by all. - - - Bette Davis 
Where others have hearts, he carries a tumor of rotten principles. - - - Jack London 
You are so pure in mind and heart, In aspect, too, so mild, I wonder that you ever could Implant your wife with child. - - - Martial 
You had to stand in line to hate him. - - - Hedda Hopper 
You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the rest of you. - - - Norm Papernick 
You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear. - - - Mark Twain 
You're a mouse studying to be a rat. - - - Wilson Mizner 
You were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin. - - - Joe Orton 
Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time. - - - Frederic Raphael 
A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults. - - - Louis Nizer 
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you. - - - Groucho Marx 
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome. - - - Oscar Levant 
Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others. - - - Winston Churchill 
Fine words! I wonder where you stole them. - - - Jonathan Swift 
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. - - - Groucho Marx 
Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other. - - - Neil Simon 
He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him. - - - Eddie Cantor 
He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food. - - - Raymond Chandler 
He's completely unspoiled by failure. - - - Noel Coward 
He's liked, but he's not well liked. - - - Arthur Miller 
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - - - Mae West 
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. - - - Steven Pearl 
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.  - - - Groucho Marx 
I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. - - - Mark Twain 
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - - - Mark Twain 
I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here. - - - Stephen Bishop 
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - - - Clarence Darrow 
I never liked him and I always will. - - - Dave Clark 
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. - - - Fred Allen 
I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion. - - - Robert Louis Stevenson 
I thought men like that shot themselves. - - - King George V 
I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork. - - - Irving Brecher (Marx Bros. "At the Circus") 
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. - - - Groucho Marx 
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. - - - Irvin S. Cobb 
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies? - - - Charles Pierce 
In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority. - - - Ellen Glascow 
I've had them both, and I don't think much of either. - - - Beatrix Lehmann (watching a Hollywood wedding.) 
Pushing forty? She's hanging on for dear life. - - - Ivy Compton-Burnett 
She's good, being gone. - - - William Shakespeare 
Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week. - - - William Dean Howells 
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. - - - Ashleigh Brilliant 
The best part of you ran down your mother's legs. - - - Jackie Gleason 
The gods too are fond of a joke. - - - Aristotle 
The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind. - - - Joseph Stilwell 
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. - - - Jack E. Leonard 
They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway. - - - Hunter S. Thompson 
We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault. - - - Ashleigh Brilliant 
Well, I think we ought to let him hang there. Let him twist slowly, slowly in the wind. - - - John Ehrlichman 
What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank. - - - Liberace
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? - - - Milton Berle
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? - - - Groucho Marx
You have delighted us long enough. - - - Jane Austen
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. - - - Jim Samuels